Tag Archives: Relationships

Hindsight Is Wonderful

blonde-goth-21A post on another blog got me thinking today – credit where credit’s due, Lyndsay! This is a toughie though, what would you tell the 21 year old you if you were to meet her/ him? Some days I feel that so much has happened since I was 21 [which isn’t today or yesterday] and then other days I wonder what on earth I’ve been doing in the ahem, few years since I was that age.

The first thing I would tell her is – and I’m so annoyed that I’m using a classic ‘Mammy’ line – time doesn’t stand still and that it won’t be that long before before you consider yourself old[er] and wonder where all that time went. Aaaarrgghh how depressing! But, FFS, it’s true! So don’t sit on your arse procrastinating about what you’ll do when you grow up!

For me, my twenties were all about adjusting. Adjusting to life after college, adjusting to having a job and earning my own money, adjusting to the big, bad world – to use a terrible cliche. Some things you have to move on from. Some things you have to take a run and jump at, maybe with your eyes closed because it’s not something you actually want to do but you realise you can’t avoid. And also about adjusting to people outside of the cosy family scenario, working with people you don’t like, sharing a house with people that are initially strangers and getting used to the fact that they do things differently to how you do them.

Another thing I would say is to question when and why you feel comfortable with any given situations. Comfortable can be good, if it’s different to a situation you didn’t like but comfortable can be bad when you’re just plodding along, letting things pass you by. Comfortable was my downfall in my 20’s. I stayed with a guy too long and ‘wasted’ years and I stayed in a particular job too long as well. I’m not going to say I regret either as I learned a lot about both situations in hindsight and sure that’s the main thing, moving on and learning from mistakes!

Definitely I found that I’ve become happier within myself now that I’m a couple of years into my thirties. I’ve been through shitty times and really shitty times but have come out the other end. Sometimes you really have to put everyone else aside and concentrate on looking after number one.

Which stems from my next point of picking and choosing your friends. In college you’re in a big gang, that gets smaller after college and gets smaller again as people move away with jobs etc but there comes a time when you have to realise that you’re not still in the school playground. There will always be a loudmouth bully who dictates what you do as a group and where you go as a group – sidle up to the person you really like hanging out with, the one who makes you smile and who you form a really good friendship with and let the others do whatever they like. When you have a bit of money it’s always great to be part of the cool gang but they won’t be on the end of the phone when you’ve a broken heart and won’t care if you’re struggling to pay your rent.

Accept that people are different. There’ll always be someone that lands a fantastic job, always someone that seems to jump from one perfect relationship to another. There’ll always be someone with more money than you and there’ll always be someone that has less money than you. There’ll always be people you don’t like and there’ll always be people you envy. Accepting your lot in life isn’t easy but when you do, the smiling makes up for anything you think you may have missed out on.

My final point would be to say that if you’re sad or lonely or just not happy, the only person that can really do anything about it is you. Therapy can be great, getting someone else to help you see things another way, having friends to listen to you and suggest how you could change things. But when it comes down to it, you have to get yourself out of the hole, decide to pick yourself up, get on with things and do them for you alone. Having friends and lovers to share your days with is fantastic and if they really love you the dark nights will become shorter and shorter. So don’t have regrets, they’ll eat away at you, just live your own life and make the most of it.

Guilt

blonde-goth-21There was a really good drama on TV recently and the story and how it unravelled got me thinking. I was really intrigued by the issues the main character became embroiled in, how it all happened and where it could’ve ended up.

Very wealthy Asian family. Daughter being pushed into an arranged marriage she doesn’t want and she resents her brother’s ‘playboy’ lifestyle outside of the strict family unit. Family chauffeur is in love with the daughter, sees she doesn’t like her now intended husband. The chauffeur first drugs and then plants drugs and incriminating photographs on this guy, he gets caught through a tip off, a criminal record and his reputation is in ruins. The chauffeur tells the daughter he ‘saved her’ from an unwanted marriage and wants a ‘reward’. The daughter agrees to sleep with him as a once off. She starts to hate her double life of sneaking off to her nice English boyfriend’s house and playing the dutiful daughter at home. She is intrigued by the chauffeur, his devotion to her and initiates more sex with him. For the first time in he life she feels like she’s making her own decisions.

She starts to lose any control she had when her intended husband turns up demanding to know why she ruined his life, that he knows she had something to do with his downfall. He puts two and two together and realises her chauffeur is starting her motor in more ways than one and obviously this can’t become public knowledge. As she looks on, the chauffeur kills the guy and promises to get rid of the body. Her real boyfriend wants to meet her family, wants to prove he can in fact be a good husband. He impresses her father so much that there’s an announcement that he’s ‘lending’ his now future son in law money and that they’re going into business together. The daughter feels more trapped than ever and tries to lose herself in her clandestine affair with the chauffeur.

When a body turns up and it’s identified as her ex- fiance, she starts to panic – he’d made many allegations against her when alive. The net closes in. The chauffeur loves her so much by now he’s willing to do anything for her. He quite literally loses himself in a crime of passion. He  ‘forces himself’ on her, tells her to say he confessed to the earlier murder before he ‘rapes her’ and then he stabs himself. Dying on his lover in a final act of allegiance, to all intents and purpose, it looks like she killed him in self defense, when in fact, it was her faithful devotee that has, most likely saved her reputation. After all, how would a respectable, well educated girl like her ever get involved in drugs and murder?

The drama ends with her on her wedding day to her English boyfriend, the one she supposedly wanted to be with all along, the one that her father now approves of and is in business with. But she doesn’t look happy, she looks trapped, all over again. Trapped by her desire to stay the pampered princess, still trapped by her family, trapped by what she knows and trapped by her lies. If anyone found out what she was an accomplice to, her life as she knows it would end. Her guilty face says it all.

What would you have done? Owned up to knowing the chauffeur had killed your ex fiance? Owned up to having an affair with him? Owned up to wanting to be free to live your own life, even if it can only start after a jail sentence? Owned up to taking advantage of someone else’s desires and using them to protect the privileged yet materialistic lifestyle you had grown accustomed to? Or simply said nothing and lived with these secrets for the rest of your life?

Face Value

blonde-goth-21You’re reading this because I like to write and so I started this blog. Most of it is of a kinda personal nature, other bits and pieces aren’t, they’re maybe news items or beauty product reviews etc. I’ve been very flattered by the amount of people that read this blog and for the many, many comments and I hope you continue to visit here. But and here’s the thing, you and I chat about lots of different things, my opinion, my relaying something that happened, you commenting in reply, it’s quite easy really so let’s stay friends cos I’d love if you kept visiting!

 So, it’s a nice little thing we have going, me and you. It works! I start a conversation, you chip in a few words if you’re so inclined and we wake up tomorrow and do it all again. When you’re not here you have your own life, that I know and that I get. I don’t demand when you visit, I just like when you do! And equally, if I don’t want to talk about something, I don’t, if I want your opinion, I’ll ask and I can happily rely on your support. If I felt like you absolutely needed to know what I’m up to every minute of every day, well, you’d be following me via Twitter. But the thing is, I’m not a Twitterer, I’ve never written a Tweet and I won’t be either. I just don’t see the point. And I don’t follow anyone else’s Tweets either. If I want to know what any of my friends are up to I’ll text or ring them and ask to meet for a drink. And as for following the Twitterings of whatever celebrity, hello? what is all that about – it’s almost like an acceptable form of stalkingand really, really, why would you bother? If you don’t know this person IRL so to speak, why would you want to know that it’s sunny where they are on the other side of the world? Or that they’ve just had great fish & chips? Or indeed anything to do with their bodily functions?

A while ago I succumbedto Facebook, after a number of people asking if I was on it and then a friend that’d moved back to New Zealand saying it’d be the best way [ie cheapest!] to keep in touch, I decided to sign up. I’ve a pic up, just the one, taken a few years ago and it’s more about the signpost in the background rather than being able to recognise me [I’m also wearing sunnies] and I filled in a bit of the profile-y type stuff. I requested to be friends with those that had been asking me to sign up and accepted more friend requests within a few weeks. I don’t find Facebookthe best thing since sliced bread. I find a lot of the ‘What are you doing’ type posts very mundane, cringe inducing and don’t bother clicking into music or group postings that other put up. The odd time I’ll do a quiz one of my ‘friends’ has done and compare results – if I really have nothing better to do. And what is it with people putting so many pix up on their profile? Really?! A few people I’m friends with literally have hundred’s of photos of themselves on view. Hundreds! Talk about vanity… Get over yourselves!!

I did ponder for a bit when I got requests to be friends with the brother of and the cousin of a girl I used to be very good friends with. Then I got a request from her as well. Continue reading

Not Always Black and White

blonde-goth-21OK, it’s been niggling at me for over a week now. That little voice in the back of my mind, reminding me that a very good friend of mine told me straight out that he ‘didn’t like McSmile and in fact didn’t think him good enough for me’. The fact that he told me his wife agreed, confirmed a double whammy power blow that has been etching away at my decidedly bruised ego.

I should also say that I’m perhaps a bit guilty of only relaying the times when McSmile has pissed me off over certain things to this couple. It can be downright excruciating and eyeroll inducing to have someone stand beside you, squealing with delight at the fact that their new boyfriend even breathes on his own, so I tend to shy from mentioning the good side to McSmile, not wanting to sound like a gushing buffoon – if you remember that scene in ‘Friends’ when Chandler walks out of the apartment, Monica is standing all wide eyed and smiley in the kitchen watching him leave and then Phoebe stands right beside Monica, leaning her head to one side an says in a really girlie voice ‘My boyfriend is so dreamy’, you’ll know what I mean!

But, the thing is, I’m now angry that these good friends of mine have a very tainted view of McSmile and being perfectly honest, I doubt there’s anything I could ever do to change their minds. And this makes me sad. But I’m also very happy today as I had such a good time with him over the weekend! It wasn’t an out of the ordinary weekend. We didn’t do anything spectacular or go anywhere wildly exciting. It was just really nice and it’d been the first time in a few weeks that it was just the two of us for the entire time, no meeting others, no bumping into people we knew.

So, cringe alert, I feel that it only right I for once relay the ‘good’ stuff that happened in the last 48 hours. He made me laugh and then laugh some more. I got a full rundown of what happened at a gig on Friday night and as we know each other much better now, it wasn’t hard to picture some of the scenes, exactly how he relayed them. He told me on numerous occasions that I was looking really good. He went out to the ATM, got me money too as I held the fort in the pub but I know that he spent more than me, he earns more than I do and so doesn’t expect me to pay for 50% of the night. He was really encouraging when I told him I was planning on doing a Creative writing workshop and perhaps a Fiction course in the next few months. He told me that he didn’t know what it was, but that I was looking really good and that I’ve looked better than ever in the last few weeks. He didn’t even roll his eyes when I gave him an update on what Molly and Fizzy had been up to during the week! He thanked me for keeping an eye out on the TV screen nearby – ‘From Dusk til Dawn’ was on and he hadn’t seen it, I’d said that I knew he wouldn’t want to miss that Salma Hayek scene and duly gave him a heads up when it came on. We laughed about it and agreed that he’d do the same for me if it was Christian Slater and still hasn’t complained about my increasing excitement that Fernando Verdasco should get good ‘camera time’ during Wimbledon next week. He was worried when we left as I’d no jacket, he offered me his and when I refused he said I was to let him know if I was cold on the walk home. Once in his place, he opened wine and handed me a glass and left me to peruse the iPod and choose whatever – this is an increasingly common occurrence, a very big deal if you knew how different our tastes in music are!

Yesterday, as we chatted in bed, he asked if I would like to go out for lunch – a timely question as I was gearing up to ask the same. We ate in a pub that had the tennis on [Queen’s Club] so that I could watch it, he doesn’t have much interest. He paid for lunch without a flinch, even though I would’ve offered to pay half and we walked out of our way home because I wanted to get an ice cream from a particular place. It was all very relaxed back in his place, more paper reading, shared bags of crisps and a general feeling of being comfortable doing nothing together. A ‘guilty TV’ love of ‘The Hills’ always has us turning in amazement to see the others reaction to a particularly catty comment or look and then minutes of laughing out loud, surmising what might happen next. More shared vino and general chit chat between two people that had spent over 24hrs together, with no one else in between and we went to bed. The last thing I can remember is him wrapped around me on my side of the bed and this morning when I woke up I was wrapped around him on his side of the bed.

Rock and a Hard Place

blonde-goth-21My head hurts. I’m not sure which is causing the pain, the rock or the hard place but both are banging against my thought factory and causing me no end of pissed-off-ness. I feel like I’m constantly running towards the rock and then when I’m halfway there, I’m coming to a halt, turning around and wondering if heading towards the hard place would be less painful overall.

Now, I’m going to fore go the saga of the hows and whys regarding myself and McSmile being back on speaking terms, more than speaking terms again, just take it from me that we are, ok? That’s a whole other post, for another time, maybe. I was out last week and My Other Dad in no uncertain terms told me that he’s not impressed with McSmile. As I stood facing him, my face changed from one of laughter and a good night out to a raised eyebrow as I then stood, open mouthed, with this prickly feeling in my throat and behind my eyes. What he actually said was that he ‘didn’t like McSmile’ and that I ‘can do far better’ adding in that McSmile ‘isn’t good enough for me’ for good measure. He then proceeded to tell me that The Glamourous Blonde was ‘shocked.. no disgusted’ that I was back with McSmile. Apparently, I’m ‘on my own now’ in terms of what happens next with McSmile.

This is coming from a couple I know for a few years now, who seem very much in agreement of their dislike for the person that although I find it hard to use the term ‘boyfriend’, is most definitely the person I’ve been seeing for the last 7 months and it isn’t exactly what I wanted to hear. Continue reading

Still Incoming

blonde-goth-21It goes ‘on and on and on’ like the clichéd Journey song always meant it to but now I’m really wondering WTF is actually going on . You read about the ex below, who got in touch totally out of the blue. Well now I’m after getting a Facebook friend request from another ex from about 6? maybe 7 years ago. We went out a few times and I wasn’t that interested, nice enough guy but he had a canny knack of just ringing and saying he’d booked tickets for Film X that I’d mentioned or that he’d booked a table at Restaurant Y that he knew I liked. I actually got bored of trying to be nice, giving him a chance and just going with it. I answered his texts less and less, turned him down on numerous occasions and then after several ‘no’s’, he was bugging me so much that I ignored him altogether. This went on for about a year, i.e. him not getting the message and there’d still be intermittent texts over the months for quite some time.

Then I was out of the country for a while and I got a text from him about a week after I came back, this is now approx 4 years ago. He asked how I was, what I’d been up to and I answered as I was still all upbeat from my time away. A few days later I turned him down to meet for a drink later that week, 5 minutes later my phone rang, I absentmindedly answered it he was on the other end of the line – ‘Where are you? Sure I can be there in half an hour!’ Damn and blast! Cue very uncomfortable catch up drink, I brought him to a bar I knew he’d hate, there was no kissing and while he still kept on texting, I kept ignoring. Then finally approx a year after this second bout of contact, I told him to give the rugby ticket to someone else and praise the Lord, he stopped contacting me. Until last weekend when he sent the Facebook request.

I have no intention of dragging all that up again but I was curious to see his pic – show me someone that wouldn’t be?! I clicked into his profile page and there he was, looking just the same, which is actually quite good looking in a bit of a nerdy way. And how does he describe his relationship status? Married. Married, that’s what! So why oh why oh why did he look me up again? That ship has long sailed buddy. 

Back to the email out of the blue a few weeks back. I was kinda seeing this guy for a small while but knowing I was going away on said foreign trip and would be gone for some months, I wasn’t pushed to keep it going while I was away. There were a couple of emails exchanged recently but as I was never that interested and all this originally happened 4 years ago, suffice to say that my 2nd email was very much straight answers to the questions he asked and I had no desire to keep the chat going so I didn’t ask any in reply. Even my first reply literally just had a ‘How are you’ politely placed at the end of the email with no other questions inbetween.

I also got a Facebook request from this guy over the weekend! Now, as I’d surmised, he had been due to get married about 2 years ago so I didn’t know if he’d actually gotten married, got married and had already split up etc. So, again I click into his Facebook pic and what does his relationship status say? Single, Single is what! So, now he’s single I’m sure I’m part of a chain of ‘used to knows’ that he’s trying to unsingle his life with. Am I going to confirm this request either? No way hose! I’ve absolutely no desire to rake this up again and even less desire to compete with all the saddos that base life achievements on the number of Facebook friends they have.

God! Is it the weather? It is that I give off this impression that I will always be single and therefore a refuge for any of my exes finding themselves suddenly single or living in the middle of nowhere that now-married ex seems to be. Am I destined to be the party girl that never settles down until one day I wake up and realise I’ve just tried to chat up a friend’s son or worse that every one forgets my name and I just become the ‘lady who likes a sherry but watch out for all the cats she has’.

*Sigh* I don’t mind being ‘the lady who likes a sherry’, I don’t even mind being the ‘lady who likes sherry that has loads of cats’, I just don’t want to be the the type of person thought of as remaining on the shelf for my entire life.

On Loop

blonde-goth-21Jesus. For the last while, try couple of weeks, I can’t stop thinking about some of my Ex’s. And when I’m not thinking about one of them, I’m bursting into a blast of Kylie’s ‘Can’t Get You Outta My Head’. I feel like I’m going to explode with frustration! And the thing is, I’m not thinking about one or two specifically, just kinda having those cringe-filled fleeting flashes of past events. No! Not those ‘kind of events’! Just of the ‘OMG – now he was an asshole’ type moments or ‘That was weird the way he disappeared’ or ‘Oh, just because he was nice but dull doesn’t mean he really deserved another date’ type ponderings.

I’m blaming that ex for so randomly getting in touch a few weeks ago and the fact that I found myself with a lot of time to think while cat sitting. Now, I’m so over the ‘Who does he think he is?’  bloody mindedness of those bolt from the blue emails and I still couldn’t care less about him, truth be told, he hasn’t popped up in any of my thoughts as he was never a runner and details about him are hazy, him being a fairly bland person overall. But I’m finding it difficult to categorize how I feel about different exes. I mean, once someone becomes an ex, chances are they are labelled an asshole until you can drag yourself out of your self imposed cotton wool cocoon and well, by then you’ve stopped caring, so that kind of asshole can do what they like from then on anyway!

I suppose I’m also trying to figure out what kind of an impact certain exes had on me. There would’ve been a number of fleeting, casual encounters that involved meeting up every so often for a bit of a laugh and then after a while I couldn’t care less if I either bumped into them when I was with someone else or simply never again. Insert a hugeamount of eyerolling here – a huge amount. I like to thoroughly research a subject before coming to a conclusion but I definitely have met enough assholes to cover any kind of statistical sample number needed to confirm that they exist.

I mean, certain foods, certain songs, certain little habits – do I have any now that I know I can attribute to a specific person that I spent a small, medium or large amount of time with? One ex was very into Science Fiction and while everyone goes through a phase of it at some stage, most likely in college, I always hated missing EastEnders on a Monday night because the compromise was that he got to watch ‘Deep Space Nine’. I ended up watching it with him each week but haven’t been pulled to Science Fiction of any kind since. A strange one is that I haven’t eaten a packet of Salt n Vinegar Hula Hoops for about 10 years as a certain 3 or 4 date guy was once eating a packet when I bumped into him, before he was consigned to the ‘Asshole Pile’. Aussie hairstuff is the same – I have not and will not ever touch that stuff due to a bottle of its shampoo adorning the bathroom of a Class A Asshole [and apparently the ‘3Minute Miracle’ or whatever treatment is meant to be great!]. Jeez, now I’m wondering if some of them have turned me into a complete freak! 

I’ve lived in Dublin for quite some years now, so I’m always bumping into someone I knew from way back – be they someone I was in school with, a friend that I drifted away from or someone there was a little romance with. I’ll say hello, do the chat thing. But if it’s someone I’m not in contact with right now, I won’t ask for their number, even in a flaky, ‘we must go for a drink’ type way, I hate all that bull. I’ll just say that it was good to catch up – inevitably, even if I’d rather walk on hot coals than spend another 5minutes in that person’s company, it’s good to see how much older they look, how I’m soo not jealous of the 3 kids pulling out of them wanting the toilet, the where did you get him or her thankfully I don’t have to put up with that in a current partner nightmare and finally, it’s always good when the person, especially the ex that you bump into, says something whereby a whole range of things come flooding back and you realise that you’re glad you got out when you did. Really glad.