I had slept with this guy before, maybe three or four times. He’s a friend of a friend and it’s only ever been very casual. It just so happened that he came back to mine last Saturday night. As he literally threw me onto the bed, one hand around my neck and the other pinning me down by my wrist, I was loving his hot breath on my skin.
Then an image appeared in my mind, the one imagine I didn’t want to see, the image of the guy I really like. The guy I really want. The guy I don’t have. The guy that was in my bed wasn’t the one I wanted there. I mumbled something and the more I tried to prise myself from under him, the more I wanted to be further away than I knew possible. I stumbled out to the living room and lit a cigarette, my hands in my head when the still tee shirt and jeans clad gentleman caller sat down beside me. I said that I didn’t feel great and the nice guy he is, he offered me water and asked if he could get me anything else.
I would guess he was a bit eh, deflated at that point and I just wanted to scream. It was ok chatting, half watching the end of the DVD until he left, we get on and he’s funny but all I could see was the Guy I Want [GIW] sitting beside me when we laughed for hours at anything and everything, realising that we have a very similar sense of humour, outlook on all kinds of things and craving for pizza literally 24\7.
I met GIW about 6 months ago and then didn’t see him for ages. He too is a friend of a friend and when I bumped into him in my local, we realised we both lived very close by. He walked me home and over another bottle of wine we laughed until dawn. He called round about a week later on the premise of returning the wine. There wasn’t any tension but I found myself breathing very deeply any time he was out of sight! In fact the evening was the opposite of tense. He invited himself around a few more times. Always we’d a great time, lots of laughing and we caught each other stealing looks which made for coy smiles and electricity.
I couldn’t make a suggestion to meet up the following week and then he couldn’t make the date I suggested. There were texts and Facebook messages but the next time I saw him he was with another girl. He didn’t see me and I had a pain on my face trying to smile for the rest of the night. You see no one else knows that he’s the first guy I’ve liked in a very long time. I meet new guys all the time but he really tugged at my heartstrings.
I’ve heard he’s seeing this other girl now, I don’t want to know any more details. I’m not one to count chickens but I had thought maybe, maybe something might happen between us. There are reasons why it wouldn’t work but just as many reasons why it would. Details, schmetails. I haven’t texted him for a few weeks. I feel sick at the thought of him not replying even though he always did before. I have had Facebook messages from him and a bit of a chat but I chose to delete him as a friend. I had to. There were pictures of him and her popping up all over the place. I don’t want to feel jealous so I’ve removed the cause. He might notice sometime and I’ll say it must’ve been in error.
So for now, I’ll try to keep his gorgeous face from my mind, chastise myself upon remembering a little something he said or did. And I’ll breathe. And I’ll just carry on regardless. Maybe someone else will make me feel the way he does sometime soon.