Don’t you just hate a show off? Show offs like to hear nothing better than the sound of their own voices and I’ve noticed that it doesn’t take long before they’re the only ones who can stick the sound of their voices. Now, there’s showoffs that actually [in their opinion] have stuff to show off about and then there’s the showoffs that are downright liars, with no sense of reality and actually believe all the utter shite they come out with. This second type, the Lying Showoffs [LS] are the most awful type of people to have the misfortune to come across and I’ve met 3 serious LSs!
The typical LS is only interested in one-upmanship and is in constant battle with whomever is unlucky enough to be within earshot. The LS is the most annoying and frustrating person you’ll ever meet. EVER! No matter what you do in your life, LS will have done it before you, done it a better way than you have, he or she [the LSs I’ve met have all been female] will have the most expensive version of whatever, they’ll have been to better places than you, eaten better than you, gotten a better tour guide than you, done whatever faster and in a better way than you and lastly, there is nothing, nothing that you can do to have one up on LS.
I’ll give you some examples;
LS#1 An ex work colleague. I bumped into her every so often after I changed jobs and I’d get caught in a conversation about ‘How I never ring her’ and I’d try to dodge any suggestions she had about meeting for a drink. Typical classics from this wan included;
A general chat about exercise, I mentioned to someone else that I loved swimming. During the chat I answered a question on how far I swim, my reply being ‘Oh well, I try and swim about 1500m when I do go’. LS ‘How many lengths is that?’, Me ‘That depends which pool I go to! But usually I swim in the 25m pool near my parents, so 1500m is 60 lengths of that pool’, LS, without so much as a heartbeat later ‘OH! I do 100 lengths of my pool 3 or 4 times a week!’ Now, I’d never heard LS#1 mentioning she swam before and do you think she answered the question when I asked her how long her pool was? That’s a big, fat ‘No’ then! Just reread that and you’ll see just how ridiculous an argument she makes. Quite typically, she has opinions on everything and everywhere. ME ‘Oh I was in Restaurant ABC over the weekend, a birthday treat! God! It’s absolutely fabulous! It has to be the best Asian restaurant I’ve been in’, LS ‘But it’s not the best Asian restaurant in Dublin, Restaurant XYZ is, I’ve been there and you haven’t and anyway, I’ve been to China and you haven’t and the Chinese food there is obviously better than any you get here’. Me ‘I bought a new hand cream, it’s lovely, Brand CDE’, LS ‘No, I use Brand FGH and that’s the only handcream to buy. Nothing else compares to it’ – have you noticed that LS seems to think that what she says goes, even if it’s based on opinion? LS is a bleeping pain in the ass, whereby the only course of action is to ignore her, if possible. Lots of LS’s will bully you into listening to them, even if it means they grab your arm, twist you back to facing them and make you listen! This wan tied herself in knots contradicting herself any time I was bored enough to have a bit of fun with her, cos I knew she lied about loads of things that couldn’t possibly be true! I haven’t seen this LS for some time now and it’s great!
LS#2 Is an Ex of a friend of mine. A right beeatch this one. Canadian and so therefore think of a really patronising American with no sense of humour whatsoever. Again, typically, she’d shout over what anyone said in order to tell you that you’re wasting your time doing something any way but the way she did it. Oh, I’m even getting annoyed typing about her! Quite briefly, I gave up a job a few years back, I wanted to get away for a bit so I decided to go to Africa and travel around a bit and part of my time was going to be spent as a volunteer on a cheetah project. It was only after a lot of friends were all excited for me, told me I was very brave and were really stunned at my choice of trip that I began to think of it as a big deal. What was LS#2’s reaction? ‘OOOHHHH You’ll love Africa. I volunteered in a children’s orphanage in Nairobi a few years back before I trekked in the Himalayas and it was the best thing I’ve ever done!’. Thunder. Stolen. Bitch. It was funny how when she came out with stuff like this it was always before she came into our group, so nothing she said could be properly questioned by any of us. I remember being told about her breaking up with my friend from college, he told a few of us at the same time. The reaction? Blank faces. A few ‘Oh, em, sorry to hear that…’. His look of ‘What the hell was I doing with her for so long’ said it all.
LS#3 is someone that drinks in HQ, my local. She’s a nasty piece of work and is a friend of a friend who’s well aware of her reputation, but so far LS#3 has been nothing but nice to her. LS#3 however has been downright mean and horrible about me to my face, out of earshot of the other girl and everything I’ve been told about her has been proven right. She’s a total snob [but what she has to be snobby about I’ll never know], she’s patronising and condesending and to be honest, no one knows why her partner is with her, he’s a lovely guy! And as she’s an unbelievable gossip, you can be sure that she tells the story to suit herself without a care for the truth. But I’m kind of stuck in the middle as I don’t want to seem like the child in this equation by doing a ‘I’m telling my friend on you’ type thing, so I just ignore her totally now. She is the one that comes across like a spoilt 5year old and thankfully, there’ve been signs that the other girl is cottoning on to things for herself.
Lying Showoffs should all rot in hell after getting there by the slowest, most uncomfortable, cheapest and problem ridden way possible. For now I’ll just be keeping my eyes and ears peeled for any more of them, ready to help them get there ASAP!