The Ex Factor – Would Ye Just Feck Off?!

What is it about bumping into Ex’s when you least expect to? It has to be one of THE most annoying things ever. Now, it’s all grand if you do so while looking absolutely fabulous, the I’m-so-sad-I-can’t-eat weight you lost after the split has stayed off and you’ve a handsome young fella on your arm, not so great if you’re in pyjamas putting out the bins. And then there’s the fact that it’s about 2 years since you broke up, after only going out for about a month and you now find yourselves neighbours so you see him more than ever. Truth be told, you don’t give a sugar about him and always get caught actually stopping for a chat rather than getting away with a nod and a ‘hello’ from across the street.

And of course, once you bump into him, you end up fecking bumping into him all the time! Like the guy I was seeing for about 6 weeks until I realised that his workload meant very little time for going out and this was also the reason why he’d want to stay in bed all day Sunday, sleeping. I got bored with him and just couldn’t be bothered meeting up again. Well, I chose not to meet him again but sure that only meant I started bumping into him about twice a week for the next couple of months! In the supermarket, in the newsagents, on the street, in the launderette and he worked near me too so I barely went further than the end of the street at lunchtime. When we met, it was the ultimate in smalltalk that was only ever exchanged,

‘How are you?’, ‘Grand, how are you?’, ‘Grand as well, things alright with you?’, ‘Yeah, what about you?’, ‘Yeah.. anything strange?’, ‘No, no news.. what about you?’.. and so on.

Now, for the first few times I made an effort to be civil but when making conversation became like getting blood from a stone, I just had to ask myself what we talked about when we were going out. And then I decided that I just couldn’t be bothered and I’ve actually pretended I haven’t seen him the last few times our paths have crossed. Mind you, I can still laugh at the first time we bumped into each other after breaking up; this batty old lady who wears blue eyeshadow up to her forehead and her lippy all over her face, walked up to us, grabbed his arm, winked and then said to me with a smile ‘Blondes always get the good looking fellas’ and then away with her! The two of us roared with laughter!

And then there’s the fact that I don’t think I’ve been in my local in over two years without one Ex or another already there, propping up the bar. I think the record is not just three of them to be in the same pub at the same time, but for them to be actually in the one conversation – I didn’t even know that they knew each other! Suffice to say that the last Ex is always there. It’s his local, my local and we met there. I’m stuck with him now. No wonder the barman reaches to get me a bourbon as soon as I walk in.


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