Another Sleb, another circus of drink, drugs, roll’n’roll and Santa Barbara roadside chats with the cops. Quite frankly, on the surface we’ve heard it all before, Heather – and we’ve been through so much with you! The big hair, the pearly whites, the dangerous men and the dangerously low tops you favour, but we didn’t think you’d let us down like this.
We wanted to be you when you got the guys and we wanted to be your friend when you told all the details – and Sammy Jo certainly stirred up a whole heap of hormones in those itty bitty plaid shirts while striding out on her magnificent white horse. Sure, for fecks sake! One flick of that mane and the collective sound of men hitting the floor registered on the Reichter Scale!
We were there when you decided to partner up with TJ ‘Captain Kirk’ Hooker and that goofy looking sidekick guy. We shrieked with delight when you caught the baddies without losing your lipstick. We knew that when you moved to Melrose place you sure were going to shake things up in that quiet neighbourhood and you didn’t disappoint us! Then after all your conniving got you a job in Spin City, well, we kinda lost you for a bit cos even though you still had the hair, damn, girlfriend, we kept just wanting you to eat something! Your tiny but perfectly shaped ass needed some carbs!
We were kinda shocked when you got together with that Tommy Lee Anderson guy for a whole ten years before he moved onto your younger sis, Pammy. We didn’t even say anything when you got it together with that Ritchie Guns n Roses guy with hair to rival yours, but you two were cute together, so we let it pass until he hoped over the garden fence to make out with Denise ‘Christmas only comes once a year’ Richards.
And now these stories that you still haven’t given up the drink and prescription drugs! We told you ages ago that Sammy Jo would never have gotten into this state – Alexis would throw her into a Renegade Rehab quicker that she would Sable into the swimming pool if she knew! And she’d plant drugs on you too, oh, that’d serve you right, missy!
I can’t help but hope that this whole episode isn’t just you playing a character from a made for tv weepy movie. You know, the only kinda work you’ve been getting lately. In this pic you really look like the beaten up wife, whose drunken husband stole the family food coupons before he picked up the town ho. And when he turns up dead in the swamp, you get arrested for it, cos you was cussing him in the general store that day, but in fact, it turns out that the local priest did it cos, knowing how beautiful you still were, he didn’t think you deserved a lyin’, cheatin’ husband like that no more. Either that or your luck ran out and you might have to get a reality check girlie. Sort yourself out!