Boo Hoo for Jordan.. Not!

I’ve reserved writing about this piece of trash for some time now. In my aim to present both sides of the argument, on one side, I will say unashamedly say that Katie ‘Jordan’ Price appears to be a very clever and astute businesswoman. Well, she’s worth something around the £30m mark and she’s only in her early 30’s, is a self made, one woman operation that has diversified and multiplied the brand name that is Katie Price to become one of the most well known ‘celebrity’ figures around right now.

On the other hand, she’s a slapper. She started off making money from glamour shots of her taken from every angle and for a hefty sum, these pix made it into every type of rag magazine that feature such ‘glamourous’ pix. She did the Playboy centrefold. Morally, you judge where this lies against say, the girl that sat beside her in school that’s now a policewoman or an accountant. The humongous and plastic and attention seeking Jordan wanted more, so she forced her double F’s or whatever into people’s faces and nothing was beneath her as she embarked on a quest for fame and money that sent the most hardened paparazzi into a spin. No nightclub was too trashy for her to fall out of at 3am, no male not worthy of being groped, no brand name was giving her too little money to plug, no one was going to get in her way. And just when we thought we’d seen it all, Brand Jordan went into overdrive. 

It’s literally staggering how much stuff you can buy with this slag’s far-too-made-up face, false hair extensions, false eyelashes and false fingernails emblazoned all over. I did say she’s clever, she knows how to and when to make the money [Well? What on earth will she look like in 15 years time when she's literally the oldest slag on the heap]. And then there’s always the several installments long of her ‘Autobiography’ so far….

I actually don’t feel like I can type about yer man Plastic Pecs the soon to be ex Mr Jordan. We’ve seen them together. They met. They made us cringe. Then they made us vomit when they got married. And now they’re getting divorced. And SHE’S the one doing all the wrong things. I don’t begrudge her a ‘holiday’ but this happened to coincide with her writhing all over an Ibiza beach shooting for her new calendar. And sure the light wouldn’t be great after dark, so she ‘went on for a few drinks’ in between wearing the various wee bits of string she posed in for the calendar and took off some clothes to relax in.

Or as we’d say in this part of the country – she went on the complete batter, fell out of every pub and club, made no bones about the fact that she’d a grope along the way and no doubt she also threw up into her designer handbag [that the luckiest  nearest fella in the previous 5 minutes got to carry for her] at some point along the way. A fine example of a Mom of 3 in hr early 30’s, no?

The blabbing or blubbing to Piers Morgan last weekend in a finely crafted interview did her no favours. No favours what so ever. I don’t feel sorry for her that she was dumped [dumped by Peter Andre, oh the shame!]. She pissed me off by forlornly looking over her false eyelashes claiming how it was breaking her heart, but it took her all of 5 minutes to claim that ‘Pricey was back on the market! Look out boys!’ And I certainly don’t feel sorry for her that she miscarried a few weeks before the separation was announced – she admitted there were a lot of problems in the marriage, they’d had counseling etc, eh, not exactly the right time for another kid, love. Hopefully that little soul will go to a stable family. She’s hates the paparazzi! Newsflash! She wishes they’d leave her alone! Oh. My. God. How pathetic, like that’s going to happen when you court them to such excess that even the late Princess Di would’ve been embarrassed. And rumour has it that she was paid £100,000 for this latest tell all interview.

Oh! Those poor kids! Being touted out for more pix every time they’re passed from Malicious Mommy to ‘Destraught’ Dad before each parent can resume their normal jobs of seeking attention while the nannies take over. We can only hope that when Princess Tiamii [Jesus! That poor, poor child] and Junior grow up that they use their trust funds wisely to stay as far away from Mommy and Daddy as possible. I presume Harvey, Jordan’s eldest and profoundly disabled child will no longer be ‘cute enough’ to parade for the cameras and he’ll be in a 24/7 care home.

Have you guessed which side of the Love Katie / Hate Jordan debate I stand? And finally, just how easily did ‘Katie’ slip back into being ‘Jordan’, with most Press referring to her as such now? For a while she was ‘Katie’, she nearly had us fooled but a string bikinied, pneumatic boobed slapper won’t ever change it’s spots.

Pic via Perez Hilton

Right Up Her Street

When I read about this recently, I did chuckle. It’s neither the funniest thing ever said or done, nor has it changed my life. It just made me think that given the situation, I might say something similar.

Michelle Obama has been thrust into a spotlight so bright and overwhelming, that her day to day routine now as First Lady is far from what would be described as ‘normal’ and one I will never experience. There have been thousands of column inches written about her style, her background, her life with Obama before he became President, how she combined her quite frankly overachieving Ivy League career with having two daughters, her focus on wanting to be a mother that just wants to get on with other things as well.

I, for one, am not going to knock her, although plenty have already poo-pooed her desire to fit in helping out at local homeless shelters while also swanning around in $400 dollar Lanvin runners, her ‘I just fished this out of the back of the wardrobe outfit for a Vogue feature’ attitude to materialism while ruthlessly sizing up and being vocal about her husband’s opponents in the run up to the election.

Cast all that aside. What she said recently while giving a speech to the US Mission to the UN in New York, was that appearing on Sesame Street, getting to hang out with Elmo and Big Bird was probably the best thing that’s happened to her since moving to the White House! She really did say that! Now this post isn’t about to turn into a saccharin coated gush of affection for Mrs O, it’s just me saying that, well, that was a kinda cool thing to say. A bit geeky, a bit ‘Girlfriend you need a cocktail!’, a bit sappy and if I was a complete cynic, I’d say a bit too contrived, but also one of those things whereby a seemingly genuine person, that is perfectly likeable got to do something that nearly all of us would love to do! Really, who wouldn’t want to hang out on Sesame Street with Elmo, Big Bird and all the rest of the gang?!

Ding Dong the Witch is Gone!

Christian Slater is single again. That is all.

*skips away merrily*

Paddy Carried the Lemon

As you’re reading this I’ve just finished laughing from the last time I watched this video. Hilarious doesn’t quite do it justice!

Now, the first time I saw ‘Dirty Dancing’ was at a friend’s 16th birthday party. Five or six girls,  no parents, a bucket of popcorn and 2 bottles of fizzy orange. Now I wasn’t quite 16, but I think I was the only one that hadn’t already seen it in the cinema, so it was some treat!

Definitely, the opening bars of this song cause some kind of involuntary reaction in females whereby they just put their heads back and start to sway, while only ever provoking a ‘oh for fooks sake!’ type reaction from the guys. You’re doing it now. You just don’t know it yet. This movie is a classic and this dance routine is a complete gem! you just know that the guys must’ve really practiced as they are extremely coordinated. It could’ve gone all horribly wrong during the lift, but it didn’t, it went splendidly well! And delirah and excirah for themselves they look once back on terre ferme as well! The super coordinated bit is right at the end for the group steps. I happened to be getting ready to go out when this came on and I turned off the hairdryer, watched the whole thing, did a bit of a sway and a sing into my hairbrush and even stayed standing while clapping at the end! Enough to bring a tear to yer eye.

Crunch Time

Now, this pic to the left consists of a person that I really and truly will never envy. She is what she is because she decided what she wanted out of life and set about getting it, which is fair enough you might say. But by getting it any which way she could and feck what might be some semblance of normality,  is what I say. Rigid fake smile which became a grimace as she *gasp* got older aside, Skeletor has become a parody of the female form and her *signature* wardrobe has become as androgynous as her womanly hips. Oh don’t worry, silly people, this isn’t going to be an all out rant about Skeletor [ no one could read for that long without a break], it’s just a few observations about her appearance from the knees down.

Scroll all the way down. What the fuck? Her feet are practically arched overher toes! That’s like stubbing your toe, crashing onto the ground and then springing back up to do it all over again! And look at her heels. Shoes a bit too big for ye love? Couldn’t find any heel grips? Or is it that you have to buy your Louboutins a couple of sizes bigger to accommodate your wide feet the fact that they are just always made in very narrow fittings? Either way, you look stupid, the shoes look stupid on you, ffs, you’ll never convince me that out of the approx 1,000 other pairs of heels [Skeletor doesn't own flats] that you have, that seriously, not a single other one of them would’ve looked better? Perhaps it would’ve been a starting point for an appropriate outfit to take your boys to Universal Studios in, yes, the same Universal Studios where even you might normal people spend hours walking around, seeing the sights, going on the rides etc, you know, enjoying themselves.

I’ve another word. ‘Pathetic’. Pathetic that you donned this outfit for what other people would describe as maybe an exciting, only happens once in a blue moon type day [let's not go into the fact that Skeletor can go wherever she wants, whenever etc]. How sad that you can’t take a day off from being the ‘you’ that is what us, the public see. I’m not even getting into the fact that gossip mags etc lap up any kind of picture, any chance to discuss your every move and then the flipside is that we, the Josephine Soaps, are, ahem, lucky enough to pour all over the published result in some kind of wishful thinking mode. No. It’s more like, how do I say this. You bore me. You bore me rigid. And by all accounts, you seem to bore yourself. This ‘outer image’ that you’ve so craftily built for yourself, what’s next? What’s underneath? A fashion designer – ha! don’t make me laugh, it’s well known that you put your name to stuff and don’t do a tap of designing.

So, if you’re not officially a pop star anymore either.. are you just a Mom? Do you want to ‘just’ be a Mom? Why not? Do it, but live a little. Try some uggs and a hoodie. Maybe you’d look like a Mom and not a clothes hanger. Try taking the kids to Nando’s for some Piri Piri chicken, the one with the skin on and actually eating it. There’s another thing. Oh yeah! A smile! Paparazzi have been following you for years, are you not so, so tired of even seeing yourself with that same rigid, grimace on your face? Are your kids not sick of seeing it? Wishing perhaps at the same time you’d go on a ride with them at the funfair? Be able to run to the next ride, kick a flamin’ football with them. Heck, standing on grass, even on the sideline to watch them kick a football without complaining that your heels have sunk into the ground, while smiling is probably top of their wish list. If that’s true, be ashamed, Skeletor, continue to be non smiling, wear your skyscraper heels to inappropriate places and carry your bag on your elbow so it enhances your pose. Just don’t try to convince anyone that you really, really have to keep up this image for their sake. It’s just all about you, eh, Skeletor?

Less Beverly Hills.. More Like Hill 16

This is hilarious! Credit where credit’s due, I came across this on lovely Annie’s blog and couldn’t resist putting it up myself. The opening line sets the tone for the entire video – so you have to turn up the volume! There are a good few ‘Hills’ parodies up on youtube.com but this is the best, cos it’s done by a few Irish girls, natch. Whiffy Whitney’s ridin’ knickers will have to stay on until another night. Lauren’s hair extensions might be a bit manky and Lo just looks as though she hasn’t a clue what’s going on, it could be all the teeth whitening chemicals that’ve gone straight to her head. Hammer Time indeed!

Everyone’s Girl Friday

There was an escape from Glitter Towers recently, whereby we took ourselves into town, best clothes on cos we were going somewhere very nice and meeting our favourite girl, Una Norris from Carrickstown, for a bit of a chat. I was soo nervous meeting my heroine but it the interests of good journalism, I took a deep breath and pressed play on my dictaphone!

GK: Una, great to meet you! How are you today?

Una: Oh, I’m grand, noh a bodder! It’s lovely here isn’t it? I was dead nervous coming into The Shelbourne n’ all. It’s so posh! And I was worried dere’d be chewin gum on me skirt, the buses into town can be filtee!

GK: So Una, how about I ask you some questions and it’ll be like a quick fire round, just say what comes into your head!

Una: Like ‘Family Fortunes? Or ‘Murphy’s Micro Quiz’? I used to loove dem! Go ahead! 

GK: Ok, whatever comes into your head! Favourite colour?

Una: Pink! Oh yeah! Definitely Pink.

GK: Favourite Place?

Una: Oh, eh.. I don’t know! Wih me fella Keih I suppose! Oh he’ll kill me for saying dat! On de beach in Tenereefey maybe

GK: Favourite Film?

Una: Dat’s Easy! ‘Pretty Woman’ It’s soo rosemantic!

GK: Favourite Drink?

Una: G and T, ice an’ a sli-iss, plee-ase

GK: Una, what do you like to do on your day off?

Una: Well, it doesn’t seem like I geh many a dem! Even on me days off I seem to do nothin but tidy up de fla’, wha?I dunno. I s’pose I like te do a bit a shoppin, meet one a de girls under Clery’s clock, dere’s lovely stuff in Clery’s. I got a whole new bedspread and pillowcase set dere in de sale. Maybe have a bih of a bite te eat in de Kylemore. And den I like te go home, get a takeaway and a DVD.

GK: Una, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Una: Oh, dat’s easy! A hairdresser! And sure I am one! I got a Girl’s World for Chrissstmas when I was 6 and I spent hours, hours I tell ye, brushin her hair an’ puttin on lipstick. But me Ma told me that people’s hair would always grow and dat not everyone wears make up, so I decided to be a hairdresser. And sure I’m good at de ole make up too dough!

GK: How would other people describe you?

Una: Oh God! I dunno. I’d like if dey tought I was a nice person. It’s nice te be nice. Me granny always said I had a heart o’ go-ilt, now I dunno about dat, but I like when people smile n not be all angry, so I’d try te geh dem to see sense, y’know?

GK: I get you Una! And definitely I think people would say you do have a heart of gold!

Una: Tanks very much! God! I’m blushin! Wha’s de next question! Quick!

GK: Una, what do you think of when I say the name ‘Keith’ to you?

Una: Stoppeh! I’m blushin even more now! Morto I am! I just tink of de time he axed me te marry him! He walked into McCoy’s, dat’s me no our local an’ he had a bunch a balloo-ins, all hearts and de ones that float. An he tol-ilt de whole world, well the people dere at de time, dat he loved me and wanted te marry me. An de ring was ah de end of de string. An den he got down on one knee, all formal loike, an when he looked straigh ah me, I just knew ih was meant te be!

GK: Una, have yourself and Keith decided where you’ll get married?

Una: No [shakes head], noh yet. I’d love if we went te Rome an’ maybe even saw de Pope. But I tink Keih says he wants te save money for a rainy day, so it’ll probably be in Dubalin, somewhere nice but just a small weddin’, it’d be more special dat way.

GK: And Una, will you still work after you get married?

Una: Oh yeah! Sure de bills won’t pay demselves! An’ I loike te tink of meself as an independent girl who can buy her own stuff. I mean, I love my Keih, bu’ a girl has te look after herself too y’know. An’ anyway, it’s importan’ te not be leanin’ on someone lese for stuff, money stuff, even if he is yer husbint.

At that point Una’s phone rang and when she smiled as soon as she spoke I knew if could only be one person on the other end of the line, Keith! I leaned in a bit closer and I heard her saying she was picking up travel brochures. Maybe Una’s going to get her dream wedding and dream honeymoon after all! I hope so.

Greetings and Salutations to you, Christian Slater!

Christian Slater. Christian Slater. Mmm mmm! Just what is it about this bad boy that keeps my other thoughts such great company? Is it the ‘eyebrow’ thing? Definitely. When I see Christian doing his best Jack ‘The Joker’ Nicholson eyebrow, I just know that I’m going to like what he does next. It’s the suggestion, the hint and intrigue of a thousand possibilities that would soo also be the kind of thing one of his best known characters, JD from the movie ‘Heathers’ would do.
And did I mention that the chance is that it’d be something bad? Or perhaps something interesting is the best way to describe it! Of course, I’m thinking about him right now as JD in Heathers.. the dark, brooding look on his face as he follows the Heathers wreaking havoc all over the school canteen. I’m thinking about the way he decided he wanted Winona Ryder’s character and well, that was that. He climbed in her bedroom window and after a quick bit of croquet; he had his wicked way with her under the big tree in the lawn! Well, really, would you say no? It’s just that those eyes know exactly what they want and aren’t afraid to tell you. Are you picturing him in a leather jacket yet? I can’t but help picture him in a leather jacket…

Now, the thing is Girlies, I’ve actually shared some space with the gorgeous Mr Slater! We were in the same room at the same time – the fact that he was onstage as RP McMurphy, pictured left, during a 2006 West End performance of ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’ at the time still counts, y’know! He was great in this role, made for it you could say [while also cleverly taking over the mantle from Jack Nicholson in the film version, see what I did there?]. He whooped and shouted his way all over the psych ward and even got down to just a pair of jocks at one point [be still my beating heart!]. *Sigh* Do I really need to add any more?  

Sasha Fierce? Snoozerama Fierce More Like

So, after a big MySpace launch and PR generated gossip, Sasha Fierce is upon us. Who? I hear you ask. Well, Beyonce has decided that it’s time the whole world has to put up with knew exactly who she is. To quote the lady herself, ‘I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work and when I’m on stage, [Sasha Fierce] that I’ve created that kind of protects me and who I really am’. Oh puurrlease! She goes on to say, ‘Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage’.

Yep, another ego has landed. Why is it that overrated and totally selfinflating ideas above stations come to light? Beyonce is a very successful singer, has many millions of single and album sales to her name, and leading a seemingly clean enough life, does make her a role model for younger girls, girls that know they have to work hard to achieve success – that I will acknowledge. But what’s with the alter ego thing? If I achieved all I ever wanted I’d want everyone to know it was me! I’m not even going to get into the conversation about that ridiculous attempt at manly persuasions known as Puff Diddy Daddy Bling Bling [depending on what day it is], as he is clearly one of the most deluded examples of why you shouldn’t surround yourself with ‘yes’ men. And no matter what he wants, the name on his passport still says ‘Sean’.

So, imagine if we all decided that we wanted to change our names to something that ‘reflects our personality’? Or to something that others thought reflected our personalities! The reality would be far from the glamourous name that Ms Knowles has decided upon; in the playground there’d be ‘I pick my nose and eat it, Brennan and ‘I wet my pants’ O’Dowd. Getting older, you’d have teenagers like ‘I have STDs’ McCarthy and ‘I’ll shag any of ye’ Fitzgerald. By the time you reach your 20’s and beyond, it’d be more like ‘Use and abuse’ Nugent, ‘Sad and lonely’ Doyle, ‘I’m a scammer’ O’Leary and ‘Anything, I’ll drink it’ McGrath. And you’d have awful problems filling out forms and getting paid. Walk down to the bank and try and open up an account under the name ‘I eat children for breakfast and so does my accountant’ and then you’ll know all about it! Could you imagine a priest, standing at the alter asking ‘Do you, ‘It’s all my Mammy’s fault I’m like this’ Mooney, take ‘I’d marry anyone cos the children need food’ Kernan…’?! The poor man wouldn’t get through the ceremony!

Now, you might be asking how I, Glitterkitty, could not be accused of the same, but I’ll let you into a secret *whisper* that’s not what it says on my passport and it’s not what my Glittery Mammy calls me, it’s not even what other people mentioned in this blog call me, but it only exists to keep their secrets safe!   

Chipshop Katona – where to start?

It’s a good question, right? Kerry Katona’s life is a total, recorded for all to see, car crash. The fact that she found fame with girl band Atomic Kitten seems so long ago [it was 2001] that you’d be forgiven for not remembering she was once a singer [having previously been a stripper]. The fact that she’s probably snorted half the coke in South America, been in rehab for ahem, depression and admittedly smoked her way through at least her last [and fourth] pregnancy alone is enough to get her a whole episode with Jeremy Kyle. Another one could be devoted to the fact that she’s lucky she still has her youngest kids, the two older girls being mostly brought up by her first husband’s family. But when she opens her mouth and you realise that she has to be the most common type of slag you could find, everything falls into place. Throw in the fact that her latest paid ‘work’ is for allowing £15,000 worth of lipsuction to be filmed and it just becomes an endless stream of what can she do next?

To me, it’s very hard to justify that this chavvy, slutty, loudmouth who’s grating voice is like fingernails going down a chalkboard, who’s idea of important world events consist of a continued slagging match with Jordan in the tabloids, is 1] a celebrity [and I use the term very loosely] and 2] that she has made millions on the back of being one of the most horrible people ever spawned.

Her recent MTV reality ‘show’ consisted of herself and her second husband roaring and shouting at each other across the kitchen table in true common as muck style, she denying everything reported about her in the tabloids or being in the back of the car whinging about not being able to stay in bed all day. He’s rude and arrogant, she’s a moany cow, there doesn’t seem to be a brain cell between them, yet you get the impression that she really believes that she should be treated like a queen!

This video, from a live TV daytime show earlier this week, says it all. Watch it and you’ll practically see the words ‘I’m a Drunken Mess’ tattooed across her forehead.

**Update** This appearance on ‘This Morning’ has been the talking point in today’s papers. While I acknowledge that Kerry may have only been on prescription medication, like she says, she should just disappear for a bit and sort herself out. She’s had several trips to rehab for various things but if she really wants to get better she needs time away from the Press and should live her life without a camera crew trailing her every move. I personally don’t think she’ll do this because she’s nothing but a fame whore that would do anything for a bit of cash and a camera flash.