Furry Happy Friday Monsters

Don’t ye just love when something makes you smile! This hilarious video, courtesy of youtube is another toe-tapper and head-bobber. There’s even a Sesame Street Kate Pierson from The B52s!

Now I know this song is a completely ironic nod to the use of propaganda and how things can be covered up with a smile, but I never thought about that any time I’ve danced to it. Nor drunkenly danced to it. Ahem. And really, I just tend to bop and sing along to it cos it’s very catchy! So shoot me!

Here We Go!
Doodle oo do do, do do do do do do do
Doodle oo do do, do do do do do do do
Happpeeee Fuuurrrrrry Mooonnnsstteeers….

Have a good Hallow’een y’all!

I.Can’t.Move.

The other night I woke to the sound of my name being called out. It was my Mom. Except it wasn’t. There was no sound at all, no one moving around and it was dark. I even called out to her and got no answer. I was ever so slightly creeped out by that but I didn’t dwell on it too much.
There was another time, however, when I was totally creeped out in the middle of the night and even thinking about it now has me out in goosebumps!
Ok, I’ve already told you that I live on my own on a busy road in a very urban area etc. The house is old and there are always plenty of people walking by at all hours of the day, no big deal. So, I’m well used to sleeping with a certain amount of movement going on outside… but it’s sleeping with a certain amount of movement inside my place that posed a problem in this case.
I really don’t think I was asleep beforehand, maybe I was but only very lightly that night. I suddenly just got this feeling. More like a sensation, something wasn’t right.

Do You Déjà Vu?

Déjà vu is a funny one. Suddenly, there you are, lost in conversation about whether to wear skinny jeans or the jeans you actually fit into for Saturday night on the town and you realise that you’ve been in this conversation before. Or well, you’re saying to yourself that you can’t have had this conversation before because its only happening now. But you then realise that when your BF says she wants to try out a new bar, you already knew she was going to suggest it! Huh? Weird, right? How could you have known what someone was going to say before they say it? [Apart from when your mother sees you in that mini skirt or when your Father sees you spark up a fag in the kitchen]

I get déjà vu all the time, all the time. I’m used to it now though and it doesn’t freak me out anymore, but it is a bit of a spooky thing when it happens. I could be watching telly and maybe that particular episode of Desperate Housewives isn’t all that engaging and I see the scenes just before they’re played out, word for word, even though I’m not all that interested in the storyline. Sitting around the kitchen table chatting, a particular subject comes up and I know exactly what my uncle has to say about the matter because I’ve heard him say it word for word somewhere before while in that exact scenario, same people, same timing, everything. Or I go visit someone and his or her sitting room is very familiar, despite my never being there before. Or someone walks into the pub and just when I slag off their football team, their reply while changing subjects doesn’t surprise me in the least and neither does the fact that when another friend walks in, I’ve already seen her in that outfit, standing at the same bar, talking to that guy, yet later she’ll tell me the outfit is new and introduce the guy.  

There are a few theories about déjà vu, but there doesn’t seem to be anything conclusive. Like the one whereby you actually dreamt the scenario before it happened so that’s why it seems familiar. Okaaayy, so I can see the future in my dreams? Would ye explain that one to me now? And while you’re at it, please let me dream about next weeks winning lotto numbers tonight!

I Heart Animals but I Feckin Hate Spiders

It’s putting the fear of God into me just writing this, but if I went through it in real life, you’ll have to virtually go through it with me again!

I was travelling with a group of people from Cape Town in South Africa over the border into Namibia, a spectacular part of the world. I’d been in South Africa for about 6 weeks at that stage and was well used to the creepy crawlies that were simply everywhere. Note, I’m not afraid of creepy crawlies, although some were awful ugly and awful fast and awful creepy and awful craw… well, you get the picture. Anyway, we arrived in Ai Ais, a beautiful, tranquil thermal spring. After a dip in the pool – it was bliss! – we started up a braai, had a stroll around etc. There was a huge scream and a few of the girls came rushing out of the toilet block [this was travelling on the cheap, remember] and the guys that went to check, ran out just as quickly. After a third check by our driver, the ‘thing’ had moved on.

We had a great dinner, all relaxed and cosy with the heat from the braai, we were chatting and had opened up some beer.

Suddenly, this blur of movement came running out from underneath a chair right beside me. I screamed, jumped up, screamed some more, everyone else started screaming, our driver started shouting ‘WTF?! WTF? Oh Jesus! I see it’. I didn’t see it at that point as I was in our makeshift kitchen. A few minutes later I was assured that ‘it’ was gone. And sure then I had to go and ask what ‘it’ was.

‘I’d say a Red Roman’ was the reply.

‘A what? A WTF? That thing was racing all over the place! It’s bloody huge!’

‘Listen, I thought it was a bloody snake, you screamed so much! It’s alright, it’s gone’, he added.

At this point you have to understand that all Africans are afraid of snakes. Well, at the very least cautious in the extreme, seeing as the most dangerous and the most harmless type look virtually the same, you don’t want to be close enough to have a good look at either.

I took a huge gulp of beer, tried to settle back into my seat. But everyone wanted to know exactly what a Red Roman was.

‘Oh! You do not want to come across a Red Roman. ‘No, no way – those things are nasty!’

So what was it about Red Romans?

I was just thinking…

For the week that’s in it, I might have a theme. It is coming up to All Hallow’s Eve, after all! When I was even smaller than I am now, I did the dressing up and I did the see who can eat the most sweets.. I got jealous cos someone else had a better mask than me, but got revenge by holding his or her head under the water bobbing for apples for that extra little bit of time.. ah! such lovely memories! Mind you, it was all plain sailing back then – I’m a lot older now and I’ve certainly seen the odd Wizard’s Wand that I’d rather not have and heard more than one Witch cackling away at her own supposed genius.

Club Tropicana – Friday’s Free!

Wha? DRINKS ARE FREE? Jaysis, I must get meself down to Club Tropicana so! The drinks in Club M and Club Knackerydoo are awful expensive these days!

Mind you, I’m not sure if I’d be up to all those young wans in Club Tropicana – not a stitch on them! Not a stitch, I tell ye! And as if that wasn’t bad enough, the sight of Georgie in his tighty whiteys nearly put me blind! Now, I’m a bit suspicious of that guy with the ‘tache on the door but sure I’ll get over it – get me to the bar!

[Now you're sure I don't have to pay for a drink? What ar'ye havin' so?]

Chipshop Katona – where to start?

It’s a good question, right? Kerry Katona’s life is a total, recorded for all to see, car crash. The fact that she found fame with girl band Atomic Kitten seems so long ago [it was 2001] that you’d be forgiven for not remembering she was once a singer [having previously been a stripper]. The fact that she’s probably snorted half the coke in South America, been in rehab for ahem, depression and admittedly smoked her way through at least her last [and fourth] pregnancy alone is enough to get her a whole episode with Jeremy Kyle. Another one could be devoted to the fact that she’s lucky she still has her youngest kids, the two older girls being mostly brought up by her first husband’s family. But when she opens her mouth and you realise that she has to be the most common type of slag you could find, everything falls into place. Throw in the fact that her latest paid ‘work’ is for allowing £15,000 worth of lipsuction to be filmed and it just becomes an endless stream of what can she do next?

To me, it’s very hard to justify that this chavvy, slutty, loudmouth who’s grating voice is like fingernails going down a chalkboard, who’s idea of important world events consist of a continued slagging match with Jordan in the tabloids, is 1] a celebrity [and I use the term very loosely] and 2] that she has made millions on the back of being one of the most horrible people ever spawned.

Her recent MTV reality ‘show’ consisted of herself and her second husband roaring and shouting at each other across the kitchen table in true common as muck style, she denying everything reported about her in the tabloids or being in the back of the car whinging about not being able to stay in bed all day. He’s rude and arrogant, she’s a moany cow, there doesn’t seem to be a brain cell between them, yet you get the impression that she really believes that she should be treated like a queen!

This video, from a live TV daytime show earlier this week, says it all. Watch it and you’ll practically see the words ‘I’m a Drunken Mess’ tattooed across her forehead.

**Update** This appearance on ‘This Morning’ has been the talking point in today’s papers. While I acknowledge that Kerry may have only been on prescription medication, like she says, she should just disappear for a bit and sort herself out. She’s had several trips to rehab for various things but if she really wants to get better she needs time away from the Press and should live her life without a camera crew trailing her every move. I personally don’t think she’ll do this because she’s nothing but a fame whore that would do anything for a bit of cash and a camera flash.

The Smart Stupid Girl

What’s the worst thing you can be? To me, it’s a cheat and a liar, honesty being the best policy and all that. It’s that simple. Lying and cheating is the lowest of the low and I hate liars and cheats! The scenario that I simply don’t understand is when someone you know, who’s quite smart, actively decides to act dumb for someone’s else’s benefit. Why would you want someone to think you’re stupid? It drives me crazy when girls, in particular, do this and we all know a girl who does this on many an occasion.

It’s a couple of years now, but I first came across The Smart Stupid Girl when I worked with her. We started at the same grade, if you like, and from the minute I met her it wasn’t very hard to see that she was constantly scanning her peers, trying to gauge their character and maybe join in the chat based on her conclusion. Now, on appearances, this girl would automatically be put in the dizzy blonde category. She was always very ‘friendly’, her smile a bit too big a lot of the time, a bit too giggly, but I let that go. I knew from talking to her that while she wasn’t a MENSA candidate, she always had her eyes and ears on alert. She never missed a whispered word if there was anything she felt she should know, particularly when it came to getting ahead of others. Very ambitious is this Smart Stupid Girl.

So while quite knowledgeable of her chosen profession, if she didn’t know much about a topic around the canteen table, she’d go home and swot up for the next time – and how did I know that? Well, she actually told me that she did that so as not to get caught out a second time. I don’t know why she told me that, maybe she thought that I’d be impressed. However, I wasn’t and her calculating skills started coming to the fore.

There was one particular occasion that The Smart Stupid Girl really came into her own and when I saw her in action I was absolutely flabbergasted!

The Ex Factor – Would Ye Just Feck Off?!

What is it about bumping into Ex’s when you least expect to? It has to be one of THE most annoying things ever. Now, it’s all grand if you do so while looking absolutely fabulous, the I’m-so-sad-I-can’t-eat weight you lost after the split has stayed off and you’ve a handsome young fella on your arm, not so great if you’re in pyjamas putting out the bins. And then there’s the fact that it’s about 2 years since you broke up, after only going out for about a month and you now find yourselves neighbours so you see him more than ever. Truth be told, you don’t give a sugar about him and always get caught actually stopping for a chat rather than getting away with a nod and a ‘hello’ from across the street.

And of course, once you bump into him, you end up fecking bumping into him all the time! Like the guy I was seeing for about 6 weeks until I realised that his workload meant very little time for going out and this was also the reason why he’d want to stay in bed all day Sunday, sleeping. I got bored with him and just couldn’t be bothered meeting up again. Well, I chose not to meet him again but sure that only meant I started bumping into him about twice a week for the next couple of months! In the supermarket, in the newsagents, on the street, in the launderette and he worked near me too so I barely went further than the end of the street at lunchtime. When we met, it was the ultimate in smalltalk that was only ever exchanged,

‘How are you?’, ‘Grand, how are you?’, ‘Grand as well, things alright with you?’, ‘Yeah, what about you?’, ‘Yeah.. anything strange?’, ‘No, no news.. what about you?’.. and so on.

Now, for the first few times I made an effort to be civil but when making conversation became like getting blood from a stone, I just had to ask myself what we talked about when we were going out. And then I decided that I just couldn’t be bothered and I’ve actually pretended I haven’t seen him the last few times our paths have crossed. Mind you, I can still laugh at the first time we bumped into each other after breaking up;

Who Are the People in Your Neighbourhood?

Well, I for one don’t know the people in my neighbourhood. I know a lot of people that prop up the bar in my local, but that’s different. I don’t know any of the people that live in similar three storey redbrick Georgian houses either side of me and I don’t know those that live across the road either. But, I know quite a few of the lovely furry neighbours that I have!

I live on the top floor of the house with a great view for anyone with a predilection for curtain twitching and being a wide, long street just off the main thoroughfare means that there are always people walking by. But what I like best is watching little dogs all happy and smiley, tails nearly wagged off with glee as THEY walk by my window. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, I’ll bump into Spike on one of his walks. Spike was rehomed and taken in by a guy I know after his first owners really didn’t look after him properly. Spike is a cute but overweight Jack Russell that is a bit nervous and shy around people. So, although we’re not best friends yet, I know Spike wants to be my friend. Quite often when I’m on my way to HQ I’ll meet the big black and white cat that lives nearby – we’re very good friends! I’ll say ‘Hello’, she’ll meow back at me. I’ll scratch her ear and she’ll purr. I’ll tell her I’m on my way to the pub and she’ll say ‘Suit yourself, seeya’… very similar to the chats I have with the little tortoiseshell cat that also lives on that road. The little tortie is a pet! She’s quiet but affectionate and prefers under her chin scratched to her ear but when it comes down to it she’ll take anything thats going.